Rob Hampton's fantabulous site Seb Patrick's fantasterooney site <$BlogRSDUrl$>

The Leeds side streets that you slip down


Friday, December 19, 2003

I have an incredibly tiny penis that resembles Rick Wakeman

I've just realised that the adverts on my site appear to take their cue from the content of my titles, and so I've decided to have a little fun.

posted by Robert  # 1:41 am

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Fuzzier logic

Here's an especially difficult lateral thinking puzzle specially for Seb:

A man spends six days in a desert without any food or water.
He knows he will die quickly if he doesn't receive any aid.
On the seventh day he sees a camels' skeleton, and takes off his shoes.

Six months later he is seen by his friends alive and well. Why?
posted by Robert  # 11:37 pm
Fuzzy logic

Figure this out:

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bar man pulls out a gun and points it at the man. After a short pause the man says 'thank you' and leaves the bar.

Why is this?

It took me two days. Time is ticking...
posted by Robert  # 1:32 am

Sunday, December 14, 2003


This amused me.
And this.
And this is just wierd.
posted by Robert  # 1:46 am
End of term
I went out last night with my brother and his flat to the fab cafe. It was a quality night out , apart from the fact I had to watch my brother pull and an attractive girl in front of me, which was unsavoury at the least. Anyway, a strange girl came up to me and said hello, and I had no idea who she was. Normally I chalk this up to being a twin, but in this case my brother didn't know her either. Since this has happened to me a few times I've started to wonder if I have some kind of alter ego that goes out at nights and randomly introduces itself to people. Its worrying, the thought of having a split personality, but even more worrying when the alter ego seems to be having more fun than you.

In reply to Robert Hampton's rather maudlin message on his site, if I ever feel down I simply listen to one of my Smiths records:

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

Which, of course, doesn't help.
posted by Robert  # 12:08 am

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Fun anyone?

I wonder how long it will take for me to get tired of this?
posted by Robert  # 1:33 am

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

See you in the next life

Just got back from suede's gig in Manchester, which is supposedly one of their last ever. The band were on great form, but what they gave with one hand they took away with the other. The treated us with rare live performances of the living dead, the asphalt world and still life, but criminally left out the wild ones and the drowners. If that was the last time I'll ever see suede live then I'm disappointed, cos I wanted to hear the wild ones one last time. The thing is that the gig had the atmosphere of an au revoir rather than a goodbye, possibly because Suede's split is supposed to be a hiatus whilst Brett gets "His demon back". I'm not sure if they will manage another album/tour though, and so the gig just didn't feel like the big send off I hoped it would be. I'd rather Suede burned out rather than faded away.

The band did play a song that was supposed to be on their new album, an odd synthy piece of stuff which repeated 'I like sex" over and over and over again. Brett was playing on some electronic keyboard thingy with an expression that varied between the expression I wear when I enter toymaster and have a go on an etch a sketch and an I-can't-believe-what-the-fuck-I'm-doing-on-this-I'm-embarrassing-myself-aren't-I? look, which does not bode well if Suede do go on to do more work.

Anyway, Goodbye Suede and thanks for the memories.

PS The support band razorlight were pretty cool too, check them out.

PPS Hello Doug, I'll keep up the good work!
Who are you? Does this mean strangers read this thing? Crikey.
posted by Robert  # 1:45 am

Monday, December 08, 2003

Another attempt at webmastery
posted by Robert  # 1:27 am

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Credit limit reached

I'm bored so I've decided to update my blog. Now, what has happened to me recently...

Bad things:

Sky TV has been cut off. I am no longer in touch with the music world, and will have to start buying magazines.

I have completely ran out of money. Unfortunately, this has coincided with me sending off cheques to pay off the various card bills, e-bay items and other stuff I've bought, all of which will bounce in a very expensive manner.

I attempted to make a small itinery off all my expenses over the last few weeks to find out where my money goes. Depressingly, I realised that my last few purchases were a Smiths poster, light bulbs for a lava lamp, a lampshade from habitat, cigs and a three litre bottle of cider, none of which would come under my definition of essentials. Apart from the cigs.

I'm going to see Suede tomorrow. This is a good thing, but since it's the last time I'll ever see them, it's a bad thing.

Good things

Sky TV has been cut off. No more football, friends, will and grace, that seventies show or indeed anything Steve watches.

We had a house party last night, which went perfectly well apart from the small flaw that no-one turned up. Actually, I tell a lie, there were about twenty people there. There was a huge gender bias at the party- about eighty five percent of the people there were blokes, and all the girls were either attached or not interested in men. Which meant the night could only go one way, which was the Oliver Reed esque wrestling-topless-whilst-drunk way. I don't know why all our parties end up like that, but they do. Steve managed to fall victim to a particularly vicious wedgie and have his boxer shorts ripped so badly that they are now ruined. Ouch.

Strange things that have happened:

I had to free a monkey trapped in a phone box. This is true, sort of.
I saw a squirrel carry a whole piece of pizza up a tree. You had to be there.

I can't believe term is almost over. I see a terrible thing looming on the horizon- a job.
posted by Robert  # 10:50 pm

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Biffy Clyro

Just came back from seeing Biffy Clyro. Depressingly I went on my own, but the band made up for it. Biffy Clyro are one of those bands who vary from being very good to being incredibly plain. Anyway, they improve a hell of a lot after a few Carlings.

Tonight, the gig was memorable for those conspicuous by their absence, for the new indie crowd who insist on wearing their funky scarves indoors, and for missed opportunities.

posted by Robert  # 1:06 am
"Franco Un-American" by NOFX

I never thought about the universe, it made me feel small
Never thought about the problems of this planet at all
Global warming, radio-active sites
Imperialistic wrongs and animal rights! No!

Why think of all the bad things when life is so good?
Why help with an 'am' when there's always a 'could'?
Let the whales worry about the poisons in the sea
Outside of California, it's foreign policy

I don't want changes, I have no reactions
Your dilemmas are my distractions

That's no way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco, Franco Un-American

I never looked around, never second-guessed
Then I read some Howard Zinn now I'm always depressed
And now I can't sleep from years of apathy
All because I read a little Noam Chomsky

I'm eating vegetation, 'cause of Fast Food Nation
I'm wearing uncomfortable shoes 'cause of globalization
I'm watching Michael Moore expose the awful truth
I'm listening to Public Enemy and Reagan Youth

I see no world peace 'cause of zealous armed forces
I eat no breath-mints 'cause their from de-hoofed horses
Now I can't believe; what an absolute failure
The president's laughing 'cause we voted for Nader

That's no way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco Un-American
Where can we go, Franco Un-American

I want to move north and be a Canadian
Or hang down low with the nice Australians
I don't want to be another 'I-don't-care-ican'
What are we gonna do Franco, Franco Un-American
posted by Robert  # 12:55 am

Friday, December 05, 2003

Music television.

Some fool just sent a text into MTV2 which went along these lines:

"The sixties and seventies were great. Everybody was so happy in the sixties and seventies. It must have been the drugs or something."

This pissed me off so much that I spent a whole pound of my own money texting in to remind the person of the various race riots, Vietnam and that little thing known as the cold war that went on during this period. Then someone sent a text in saying "Punks coming back! No more of this hip-hop shit in the charts." I decided to leave the room for fear of my bank account.

Anyway,this all reminds me of the time when I was going to join the punk society in uni. I asked what stuff they listened to and they said emo, hardcore, ska etc. When I asked if they organised any nights involving the clash, sex pistols or the damned they said no.
Punk's not dead kids!
posted by Robert  # 4:04 pm

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Drunken Ramblings

Here is a conversation involving my flatmate stevie, which, in my opinion, is one of his best:

Time: Tuesday
Place: Courtyard
Condition: Tipsy. Very tipsy.

Stranger: I can see the family resemblance between you and your sister.
Steve: Yeah, people say we do look alike, but you should see my little brother, he's like a missing link between me and my sister. If me and my sister ever had children, they'd look like my brother.

I think this beats his previous best of "If you ever see anyone walking around with my face, it's probably me".

Anyway, I went to see therapy on Tuesday. The gig was great, one of the best I've been to, almost as good as British sea power. They played two joy division covers, which was a bit of a surprise, and I was also given another song to add to my literary inspired music list, the wonderful "James Joyce is Fucking my sister". After the gig I ended up with Steve in cheesy hormone fest the courtyard, the highlights of the night being sneaking in for free by mistake and managing to only spend two pounds, yet still drink continuously for a good three hours, as well as stealing as many shot glasses as I could fit into my pockets. After that I stayed up till five playing Mario kart with Steve, and kicked his drunken arse. And my parents think I'm working hard.

posted by Robert  # 12:40 am

Monday, December 01, 2003

Thank God I'm a lazy-arsed English student who only has to do nine hours a week

I can't sleep. If anyone has any good remedies for insomnia, bar alcohol, tell me. In the meantime I have decided to dedicate all the time that I can't sleep to practicing the guitar and bidding for items on e-bay.

If you haven't read it yet visit This edition is very very funny. Especially the record shop girl article- why are they always so cute?

If you are a smiths fan visit:
It's got lots of info about Smiths covers, and Smiths parodies. Ween's I Hate the smiths is mentioned, and is worth checking out

All you do is hate life and tell me about
You're homosexual, just keep me out of it
Cos I hate the Smiths and Steven Morrisey

Well, it's true, isn't it?
posted by Robert  # 3:20 am
Tickets, please

Sometimes my part time job as a steward sucks. These times generally are when I have to stand in the cold, rain and dark guarding an inanimate object, like a firework display or a leisure centre, looking out for thieves or gangs of kids whilst being woefully unable to deal with them. Sometimes though, its pretty cool.

Saturday night was one of those times. I stewarded a muse gig in Manchester, and was lucky to be put on the floor distributing wristbands for the first half of the gig and then watching out for barrier jumpers for the second. In short, I got to watch the whole gig and get paid for it. Bonza!

However, I'm very ambivalent towards muse. Matt Bellamy is a great musician, a very talented bloke. Its just when you see his skinny, ratty face gurning as he runs his hands over his custom-made guitars (which have too many strings), and listen to him whining I can't help but feel that there's this seedy edge to it. Its as if he just wants his fans to worship at the altar of his ability. I've heard Muse's music, with it's building verses and explosive choruses, being described as orgasmic. I'd agree, but have to qualify that statement that it's Matt Belllamy's orgasm. As I was covered in white confetti fired from confetti guns during Stockholm Syndrome I realized that watching Muse live is like watching Matt Bellamy masturbate. For two hours.

Plug in baby was good though, and Matt does deserve credit for winning fame academy.

After coming home I stayed up till five with Steve and Dan. I managed to play a single game of marvel comics top trumps with Steve for forty five minutes. I think that's a record.

In reply to Seb, who is Chaucer? At Leeds we only study proper literature. I'm doing JK Rowling and bravo two zero this term, with an aim to do a dissertation on Meg and Mog. Wanker :)

This coming week has a ridiculous amount of giggage in it. On Monday I'm going to see my brother's band, Iron horse. The on Tuesday I'm going to see Therapy, on Thursday maybe Electric six, Friday Biffy Clyro (then a house party) Saturday our House Party and Sunday, well, I'll most probably be in the bank attempting to increase my overdraft.
posted by Robert  # 12:16 am


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